How could that be? A person in a family of 11 feeling lonely? It’s how you define lonely. Physically there is pretty much always someone around me; a lot of weeks, 24/7. I’m not talking about physical loneliness. Emotional loneliness. To me it’s worse. To physically have someone around you but emotionally they are vacant is something that I find devastating. Strong word. This state of being has caused personal devastation in my life. It has robbed me of who I really am. I have lost that person. My mission is to stay above water. Keep things functioning. I find myself retreating from life. Participating in less all the time.
What makes it all feel like I’m the one going crazy is, the people that cause me to feel this devastation, to others appear normal. Helpful. Successful. Sweet. Generous. There are times that I see that. It doesn’t last. Don’t trust it. It will most certainly bite you in the rear if you do.
I’ve been bit. Many times.
Talking in such generalities, confirms my craziness. And yet my examples of the oddities that go on in my house make others say, “she’s crazy. That happens in my house too.” When I say it’s different, I feel as if I’m not being accountable. That I’m blaming others. That I think what I have to deal with in life is “special.” But it is. I didn’t have this going on in my home when my biologicals were young. There were other stresses, but not the kid crazies I deal with now. I know normal and I know weird, and my life is on the weird side now.
The other night, my three adopted and I were home alone. I went out on the back porch to care for my dogs, and when I attempted to enter the house again, the door was locked. No biggie. Or so one would think. I knocked on the door. Banged on the door. Pounded on the door. Kicked the door. I shouted and banged some more. All of a sudden the youngest shows up in the kitchen and goes right over to…the computer which she had been working on. I banged again and had to ask her to come to the door to let me in. When asked if she heard me pounding on the door, she replied, “Yes.” Daughter number 2 appears. They had been together. When asked the same question, she replied, “Yeah I heard you, but I thought you were pounding something up here in the kitchen.” Legit you might say? Really? Imagine you are in your home and you hear regular, hard pounding going on and it isn’t stopping. You would go find out what is going on. Let’s say Tara, or Molly had been there. They would have eventually thought, “Something isn’t right.” These two, didn’t cross their minds. Not to mention number 1 who was in the shower, and never came down to say even later, “What was all that pounding.” Emotionally vacant. In comparison, today, #1 tripped over a cord, didn’t fall, didn’t hit anything, and daughter #2 responded instantly with “Are you ok?!” ????????
On a regular basis right now, #1 chooses to not communicate with me in what I would consider “normal.” We are setting the table and she asks randomly, “What is colon cleanse.” WHAT? Today, I ask her to get the bleach cleaner from under the kitchen sink. She shows up with a different one, and says “I found the bleach cleaner.” I asked was this the one under the kitchen sink? “No.” How could you have communicated in a better way? “I could have said, Mom I couldn’t find the bleach cleaner under the kitchen sink, but I found this in the other bathroom. Is this ok?” So she knows how to communicate, she chooses not to and keeps us at odds. That is the goal of an adopted child. To keep you at a distance so that they don’t bond with you. To bond with you would subconsciously cause them death.
You might say, Karen don’t let her do that. Who cares. Don’t let her get to you. Understand why she does it and deal with it. At times it’s constant. There isn’t a moment right now when she comes up and says anything to me that makes much sense. Would you let someone keep punching you over and over and say, just ignore it and it will go away? Of course not!!! I’m human, and I’m not always able to over come this garbage.
It doesn’t stop with my adopted. That’s what is so hard. There are the same communication problems with another one in my home. But if I talk openly about that I would be accused of any number of things. From being mentally unstable, to hypercritical, to being a terribly angry person. These things have all been said to me, and about me by this person I am suppose to be emotionally connected with. Yet on another day, I’m the most wonderful, loving, supportive person in the world; those are the days I don’t say anything despite the crap going on all around me. Keep quiet and keep peace.
This all creates a place of emotional nothingness. I am numb and don’t know what to do about it. Now being a Christian, of course I know I’m not alone. I don’t need to be told that. I need to vent. I need to talk about this and not worry about not being spiritual. God can deal with my frustrations and my truth about them. Can others?