Ever had a crisis of faith? Had your emotions get the best of you? I am currently in the midst of one. When I was in my twenties we did a funny thing through John’s employer. It was a handwriting analysis. Interesting stuff. One of the comments made was, “Karen is mortified by public displays of emotion – by her.” They still happen – sometimes – and still create great inner angst.
Flashback to the blog “And then there were 7” where I shared the struggles my kids have had getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having babies. I was going to think differently this go-around. I was going to trust the God, who had proven time and again that He is in control. As news was fed to us by my daughter Tara as younger daughter Molly was being induced and starting the laboring process, I kept praying, “Let this be a redefining of these times in our lives, Lord.” When one thing wouldn’t work, I would ask that the next would.
There was progress, but then stalemate. When the call came to tell us that Molly was heading for a C-section, you would think I would have been thankful. NO! This was not a “redefining” of anything! This was a repeat of other difficulties faced. How was this an answer? I felt such anger at God and it quite honestly mortified me! I said to my husband, “Why pray? What’s the point? God is going to do what God is going to do!”
Baby Micah was delivered and Molly is well. But I have allowed myself to be thrown into a faith crisis that has me feeling isolated and alone.
I feel separated from the only thing that gives me strength: God. Normally, I talk to Him regularly. Since Micah’s arrival, I can’t. All I can muster is, I’m sorry for being angry. I know I am being irrational. But I can’t seem to ask Him for anything.
What it has revealed is something that is deep within that needs addressing. Yet, I am not sure what it is. Pride? Self centeredness? Desire to be in control? Trust?
Childish Give me what I want or I’ll take my bat and ball and go home! thinking???
What I have determined is my Heavenly Father is okay with my anger and struggles with my faith. 1 Samuel 6:8, “David was angry because the Lord’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah.” If David, a man after God’s own heart can be angry with God, I guess God is alright with mine. I have to keep seeking Him. I can’t live life with this relationship being broken. I must keep looking at it as a time for growth and introspection. I must root out my human struggle and address it.
When stymied like this, the best response is to praise Him. Recently at church the lyrics of a song helped me do that.
“Overcome” by Jeremy Camp.
Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You
Do I believe God is in control, hears our prayers, desires the best for us, is holy, righteous, and just? Yes. Do I believe that He is to be feared? Yes. In my desire for life to be how I want it, “easier” I am hitting a wall against His sovereignty. This is where the crisis lies.
Mark 9:23-24 “Jesus said, ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”